More "real" life. . .

So I caught a really bad cold/flu thing the end of last week (all those report cards just did for me, I guess). I was out of commission all weekend and not in physical or mental shape to write anything. So once again I must apologize. Enjoy the following video from Guys and Dolls. :)

"Real" Life Interruption

So. . . I started out this blog nice and strong, with a few days of posts always scheduled to publish, but school and busy weekends happened and now I've run though my pre-scheduled posts and have been "reduced" to writing a post the night before. Anyway,  I've got report card comments to write this week (not to mention report card marking to do when it comes in), and I refuse to procrastinate. I want to get them done and off my plate as soon as possible. But that means that I don't have time right now to write blog posts for the rest of the week. At least not at this point.

So for the rest of the week I'll be sharing some more of my favourite music, books, pictures, poetry, etc. Feel free to share your favourites--I love to "meet" new art!

----
I love the way the Evelyn Glennie teaches us a new way to listen in the video below. It is a bit longer, but really worth the time. :)

Life on Hold?

The other day I placed a hold on a library book. I can only guess when I will actually get notice that it is ready for me. But unless something drastic happens, I can be pretty sure that I will eventually have my turn.

When I call the phone company and get put on hold (oh the irony!), I can be pretty sure that I will get through to a real person at some point.

I know that if I'm standing in the back of a seemingly endless grocery line, I will eventually be the last person in the cue.

Waiting is a fact of life. And most of the time we don't like that, let's face it. Waiting is not fun most of the time.

People talk about their life being "put on hold" by something unexpected that interferes with their plans.They had to put their vacation plans on hold because the car broke down. Or they say that their life was "put on hold" or "interrupted" by illness.

I don't think this is a theological correct way of thinking, however.

Everything that God gives us is His plan. What He has given us now is what is what He wants us to have. What we have now is His best.

Now we may not be feeling like this is the best--it definitely may not be what we want--but we have to trust that God knows what is best.

I think it is easy to act and talk as though God is holding out on us.

Singles are particularly prone to think this way. I may feel that I'm just flying in a holding pattern, waiting for Mr. Right, Prince Charming, "The ONE" to come along. But I cannot forget that God is not holding out on me--this is His best. This is the life that I need to live now.

Life is everything we encounter. As a character in Letters to Juliet points out, "Life is in the messy bits."

This doesn't mean that waiting is easy. It's not. There are countless Bible verses about waiting, asking "how long?"

One of my favourite verses is about this type of waiting:

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life."

(Proverbs 13:12 ESV)

I like how this verse is about "hope deferred," but yet there is the hope of "a desire fulfilled." It is the paradox of hope that you can't hope for something you have. 

When you really think about it, Christian life is about waiting. God's people have had to wait since the Fall. Hebrews 11 gives us a whole list of what it means to wait. We're waiting now: Maranatha! (1Cor 16: 22)

The great thing about waiting as a Christian is that we can be certain of God's faithfulness. We can trust in His goodness and grace and mercy and love. (His justice and . . . ) We can wait knowing that God holds us in His hand, that nothing happens to us without His will.

Heidelberg Catechism Lord's Day 1

Q.1 What is your only comfort in life and death? 

A. That I am not my own, 1
but belong with body and soul,
both in life and in death, 2
to my faithful Saviour Jesus Christ. 3
He has fully paid for all my sins
with his precious blood, 4
and has set me free
from all the power of the devil. 5
He also preserves me in such a way 6
that without the will of my heavenly Father
not a hair can fall from my head; 7
indeed, all things must work together
for my salvation. 8
Therefore, by his Holy Spirit
he also assures me
of eternal life 9
and makes me heartily willing and ready
from now on to live for him. 10

1. 1 Cor 6:19, 20.
2. Rom 14:7-9.
3. 1 Cor 3:23; Tit 2:14.
4. 1 Pet 1:18, 19; 1 Jn 1:7; 2:2.
5. Jn 8:34-36; Heb 2:14, 15; 1 Jn 3:8.
6. Jn 6:39, 40; 10:27-30; 2 Thess 3:3; 1 Pet 1:5.
7. Mt 10:29-31; Lk 21:16-18.
8. Rom 8:28.
9. Rom 8:15, 16; 2 Cor 1:21, 22; 5:5; Eph 1:13, 14.
10. Rom 8:14.

"Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame; they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous."

(Psalm 25:3 ESV)

"Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!"

(Psalm 37:7 ESV)

"But for you, O LORD, do I wait; it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer."

(Psalm 38:15 ESV)

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I hope;"

(Psalm 130:5 ESV)

Confessions of a Bibliophile. . .

Jane Austen and Tolkien get cozy. C.S. Lewis and Georgette Heyer rub shoulders. Lucy Maud Montgomery, C.J. Cherryh, and Agatha Christie have more than just a nodding acquaintance. Never mind the other odd pairings that happen from time to time. Shakespeare and Betty Neels? Believe me, though I blush to confess it, it has happened. My Greek textbooks often sit cheek by jowl with Mary Stewart, while books on literature, theology, music, nutrition, history, et cetera, et cetera, all share shelf (or floor) space. 

An eclectic bibliophile. . . yes, that most definitely I am.

If you saw my book shelves, you would know it. In no way, shape, or form do I have enough shelves to house all my books. Which is why I have piles of books stacked in front of those one the shelves, why the top of the dresser in my bedroom is piled with them, and why there are tottering towers on the floor around my bed and beside my computer, not to mention those strewn on the coffee table. And, confession time, I've got four plastic totes (the kind that are meant to slide under the bed) filled with paper backs that I don't read (as much) stacked in the closet and under my dresser--who needs room for hanging clothes anyway?

When, as a teenager, I discovered second-hand books could be bought for a song at local thrift stores, I was hooked. Therefore, when I moved and discovered second-hand books stores in the university town where I lived, I was already beyond hope.

However, I had begun my addiction to written word long before this. My mother has pictures! There is also that rather incriminating video of me lying on the pull-out couch while my brothers and sisters romp with my Opa, and I am reading, only stopping to complain when they nearly sit on my head!  

My family used to (still does?) talk about the smoke issuing from my ears as I snarfed (yes, that is a word) down my latest tome. 

You might well catch me reading some section of great dialogue out loud because it's just so funny I can't help myself. I might giggle or guffaw, then try to share my amusement with anyone who will listen. 

A particular recording or song maybe forever associated with this or that book because I listened to it when I read it for the first time. Or I might not even process any kind of sound, I'm so involved with the story. 

Oh, was someone calling my name? Sorry, I didn't hear; I was spending time with Valancy. Those dishes that should be washed or the laundry that needed to be folded? Frodo and Sam distracted me. . . or Anne Elliot or Venetia or one of hundreds of other book friends. Oops. Guilty as charged. 

I have to chose my reading material carefully at times, knowing that if I start that particular book now, I will be up until the wee hours of the morning--and I know that cannot happen since I have to teach the next day. So I save my snarfing till Friday night--if I can. Sometimes I get caught unawares by a book that started out slow, but then press ganged me into finishing it. (Against my will, of course!)

I've been trying to balance the many different types of reading I do, making sure to read more non-fiction to balance out the fiction. Only occasionally am I so mentally tired that I can't read anything. 

I find that I'm becoming less tolerant of bad writing. It used to be that if I started a book, I would finish it, even if I found it dull or poorly written. I've begun to realize I don't have time for books that annoy me. There are too many good books out there to warrant reading those that are sub-par. This is not to say that I don't enjoy a fluffy romance novel at times, but not one that irritates me beyond expressing.

I don't know how many books I've read in the past year, but I always have one with me in some shape or form. My new ereader or my iPod or a hard copy book is always with me to ensure that I never waste precious reading time, sitting somewhere with nothing to do. 

I find, however, that I need to be more diligent about Bible reading. Often, I catch myself reading a book about the Bible and realize that I'm not not actually reading the Bible itself. It is like reading a book about poetry, but not actually reading a poem--quite ridiculous! The academic knowledge becomes useless when it is not connected to the source of that knowledge. 

"for my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water."

Jeremiah 2:13 (ESV)

I don't want to be trapped into hewing out broken cisterns, instead of drinking from the living waters. Knowledge about God is nothing, if I do not know Him as well as I should. Knowledge about God will not save me: only knowing Jesus will. If I don't read the Word, I only have a second-hand relationship with God,  and I only know Him by hearsay. All the books in the world will do me no good, if I don't read His Book and know Him through it. 

"But I am the Lord your God from the land of Egypt; you know no God but me, and besides me there is no savior." 

Hosea 13:4 (ESV)

"Incline your ear, and hear the words of the wise, and apply your heart to my knowledge, for it will be pleasant if you keep them within you, if all of them are ready on your lips." 

Prov 22:17-18 (ESV)

Don't be content with a second-hand relationship with Jesus. 

Read the Word to know the Word. 

"But he who enters by the door is the shepherd of the sheep. 3 To him the gatekeeper opens. The sheep hear his voice, and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4 When he has brought out all his own, he goes before them, and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice."  . . .I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me."

John 10: 2-4, 11

Working to be An Example

 "6 Now we command you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you keep away from any brother who is walking in idleness and not in accord with the tradition that you received from us. 7 For you yourselves know how you ought to imitate us, because we were not idle when we were with you, 8 nor did we eat anyone's bread without paying for it, but with toil and labor we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you. 9 It was not because we do not have that right, but to give you in ourselves an example to imitate.10 For even when we were with you, we would give you this command:If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat. 11 For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work, but busybodies.12 Now such persons we command and encourage in the Lord Jesus Christ to do their work quietly and to earn their own living.13 As for you, brothers, do not grow weary in doing good." 

 (2 Thessalonians 3:6-13, ESV)

Idleness doesn't just have to be physical idleness; it can be spiritual or mental idleness too. Idleness can be not exercising your brain by thinking about things, not exercising your heart and habits by striving for excellence. We can become complacent, no longer working to help ourselves fight against sin and its slothful habits. We can neglect to guard ourselves from our pet sins and vices, and the weeds of our bad habits can start to take over the garden before we realize it.

The video link I posted yesterday is an excellent reminder to continue to work towards being more Christ-like, following His example. 

Watch this! "Watch Me!"

Short but sweet today.

This is so worth 5 minutes of your time. Seriously. You need to watch this.

 Watch Me!

Video Description: Using audio from Don Carson, this short video challenges us from the Bible how we must be sharing our lives, opening up the Bible and changing generations as we point them to Jesus.  

Until that Final Day -- Keith Green

My flesh is tired of seeking God

But on my knees I'll stay

I want to be a pleasing child

Until that final day

My mind is full of many thoughts

That clutter and confuse

But standing firm, I will prevail

In faith that I'll be used

Amen, I'm asking once again

Won't You help me my friend

Lord Jesus

Holy Lord Spirit, set us free

From chains we cannot see

Come release us

I wrestle not with flesh and blood

My fight is with the one

Who lost the keys of hell and death

To God's most precious son

One sleepless night of anguished prayer

I triumphed over sin

One battle in the holy war

God's promised me to win

Amen, I'm asking once again

Won't You help me my friend

Lord Jesus

Holy Lord Spirit, set us free

From chains we cannot see

Come release us

My flesh is tired of seeking God

But on my knees I'll stay

I want to be a pleasing child

Until that final day

KEITH GREEN - UNTIL THAT FINAL DAY LYRICS 

Trusting AND Trying

"[W]hen it comes to growth in godliness, trusting does not put an end to trying" (91). The Hole in Our Holiness ~ Kevin deYoung

"Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness."

(Psalm 37:3 ESV)

There is no resting on your laurels in the kingdom of God. There is no time behind the lines, no leave from the war--we're always in the trenches.

The Christian life is more of a Sisyphean endeavour--when we think we are getting somewhere, we are closer to falling than we would like to admit. That boulder of pride (or false humility) or anger (or repressed rage) or fear (or false confidence). . . the moment we think we have it conquered is the moment it slides back down the hill.


"So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand."

(Romans 7:21 ESV) 

Thank God for His grace. We don't have to do it ourselves.

However, we are still supposed to keep trying. We are to trust that our efforts to grow in godliness are of benefit and blessed by the Holy Spirit. 

"Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain."

(1 Corinthians 15:58 ESV)

It is how we confirm our calling and election (2 Peter 1: 9). And because we are not saved by our works, we don't have to fear our failure.

[31] What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? [32] He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? [33] Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. [34] Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. [35] Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? [36] As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”[37] No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

(Romans 8:31-37 ESV)

[3] His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, [4] by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. [5] For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, [6] and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, [7] and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. [8] For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. [9] For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. [10] Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to confirm your calling and election, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. [11] For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

(2 Peter 1:3-11 ESV)

Gleanings--War of Words: Getting to the Heart for God's Sake--excerpt

"War of Words: Getting to the Heart for God's Sake" ~ Paul Tripp

Absolutely a must-read!!  It is an excerpt from The Power of Words and the Wonder of God edited by John Piper and Justin Taylor.

 

So convicted by so much of this. 

This is How He Loves Me

[18] Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear him,
on those who hope in his steadfast love,
[19] that he may deliver their soul from death
and keep them alive in famine.
[20] Our soul waits for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
[21] For our heart is glad in him,
because we trust in his holy name.
[22] Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us,
even as we hope in you.

(Psalm 33:18-22 ESV)

When I feel overwhelmed or suffocated or trapped by all the circumstances of life, I can say,

"Blessed be the LORD, for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me when I was in a besieged city."

(Psalm 31:21 ESV)

When I don't know "Why?", when I don't know what to do next, I can look to Christ, for "the LORD my God lightens my darkness"(Psalm 18:28b ESV).

'"For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.'

(Isaiah 54:10 ESV)

His "love never fails"(1 Corinthians 13: 8).

Even when I fall away, He will be there. He keeps all His promises.

"If we are faithless, he remains faithful—for he cannot deny himself."

(2 Timothy 2:13 ESV)

"For your steadfast love is before my eyes, and I walk in your faithfulness." [my emphasis]

(Psalm 26:3 ESV)

He loves me better than I even know. More than I can guess.


This is my God, and this is how He loves me.

Paper Flowers

 I haven't had a chance to go to find myself some yellow mums or some tulips or some other spirit-lifting spring greenery, so I made myself these tissue paper peonies out of desperation the other day. February this year has been a month of what seems like endless grey and I needed some brightness in my life. Yellow flowers, even fake ones, just make my day happier--particularly in the middle of a particularly bleak winter. It feels as though I haven't seen the sun in weeks. We've had snow and rain and drizzle and sleet, and the miasma of cloud above us seems endless. I don't need the heat of summer, but I just need some sun! I feel like I'm wilting here. . . I'm not a mushroom, after all!

My paper flowers are in no way comparable to the real thing. Real flowers have rich colour, satin petals, green leaves, and perfume. They are living things and no fake can compare--that is pretty obvious. But I'm so desperate for flowers, that even a poor semblance of them is acceptable. Even something that I made out of the flimsiest of paper with my scissors and a bit of wire is better than nothing.

While that may be a bit pathetic, I admit,  it is also nothing less than the truth, and that got me thinking.

I know that the sun is somewhere beyond clouds--the fact that I can see without needing a lamp is evidence of that--but knowing it is there and feeling it warm on my face are two very different things.

It is the same thing with other things in our lives. I can know that God has what is best for me planned, but when I can't see beyond the clouds I'm living through now, I don't always feel it. Faith says I can believe it, I can hope in it, can trust that it is true, but sometimes I sing with David, "How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?" (Psalm 13:1 ESV).

The future can seem like one endless grey winter sometimes with only periodic rays of sunshine piercing the gloom. It can make it hard to live with hope. All too often, it seems, we make the mistake of settling for what we can get, the paper flowers of this world. Like children not yet tall enough to see over the wall to the beautiful, sunny garden next door, we grasp at the paper flowers we find on our side, and cry when they aren’t perfumed and crumble away in our hands. Those taller than we are tell us how gorgeous that garden is, but we still live in doubt that it actually exists. If we could only see the other side of the wall, we say, we could make the right choice, we could live in faith, we could be content to wait. But we still clutch at the fakes, only to be disappointed when they don't fulfill us. And that is the problem: paper flowers don't really satisfy for long when what you really want, what you need, is the sun. 

Sometimes I find myself grasping at these paper flowers in a bid to somehow fill the empty spot that can only ever be filled by God. Sometimes it is hard to live without the instant gratification that "things" provide. There are times when I don't run to God like I should, but find other "lovers". In that sense I only too closely resemble Old Testament Israel, particularly as portrayed by Isaiah and Hosea. Thankfully, however, I don't have to rely on myself to bring me back "into true" because I can't do it myself. But just like in Hosea 2:14, God allures me and brings me back and reminds me that I don't have to make paper flowers, that He is the "Sun of Righteousness" and He is always there.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

(Romans 15:13 ESV)

(As I was writing this, the sun peeked through a gap in the cloud cover: I even saw blue sky!! Briefly. Before the sun set and it was gone again.)

Amazing Love

A lot is said about love in Christian circles. Many of Christians probably have their favourite verse or verses on love. John 3:16 comes to mind. There is even the well-known "Love" chapter, 1 Corinthians 13,  to refer to if we can't find an appropriate one fast enough.

There are so many verses on love in the Bible, that we can, perhaps, become used to them at times. Oh, we think, another verse about love.

Love, love, love.

Love is used so often in everyday conversation and it can be used so thoughtlessly that it can become, at times, just another four-letter word. And that is all that it is—unless--we remember that love is, first and foremost, an action verb.

Love is not just something we have—it is something we DO.

What does it really mean to lovesomeone? We could find millions of examples in literature and history. However, we might see it every day, but not really see it. How do we know what love in action really looks like?

We can see love in action most clearly by looking at Christ.

• He humbled Himself in order to love His people.
• He loved those unlovable people, who made life difficult for Him.
• He loved His friends, even when they let Him down.
• He loved His chosen people, even when they rejected Him.
• He loved even in the depths of hellish pain and agony and death.

And why? Because we needed it—we "needit every hour".

And He keeps loving His people despite their shortcomings.

In Psalm 36 (ESV), the Psalmist says:

5 “Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds."

7 “How precious is your steadfast love, O God! The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings.”

The extent of this love is truly amazing and awe-inspiring! The fact that, despite our down-right unlovable-ness, we are still loved by God and He saves us from ourselves is something to make one sink to their knees in wonder. 

He. Loves. Me. 

Really? Me? The one who grumbles and whines about how hard-done by  she is? The one who inwardly is spiteful and haughty and condescending?  The one who has so many times forgotten Him? The one who doesn't love her neighbour as herself most, if not all, of the time? 

And yet, He loves me. 

As I thought about love, I put some new things on my mental to-do list. Some things I need to remember to do as I go through the rest of the year:

1. I need to love people even when I don't feel like it.
2. Love when they don't love me back.
3. Love even when it hurts.
4. Love because they need it.
5. Love because He first loved me. 
   
   
   
   
    
   
   
   
   
   And can it be that I should gain
   An interest in the Savior’s blood?
   Died He for me, who caused His pain—
   For me, who Him to death pursued?
   Amazing love! How can it be,
   That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?
   Amazing love! How can it be,
   That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?
   
   
   
   
   
   He left His Father’s throne above
   So free, so infinite His grace—
   Emptied Himself of all but love,
   And bled for Adam’s helpless race:
   ’Tis mercy all, immense and free,
   For O my God, it found out me!
   ’Tis mercy all, immense and free,
   For O my God, it found out me!
   
   
   
   
   
   Long my imprisoned spirit lay,
   Fast bound in sin and nature’s night;
   Thine eye diffused a quickening ray—
   I woke, the dungeon flamed with light;
   My chains fell off, my heart was free,
   I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.
   My chains fell off, my heart was free,
   I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.
   
   
   
   
   
   No condemnation now I dread;
   Jesus, and all in Him, is mine;
   Alive in Him, my living Head,
   And clothed in righteousness divine,
   Bold I approach th’eternal throne,
   And claim the crown, through Christ my own.
   Bold I approach th’eternal throne,
   And claim the crown, through Christ my own.
   
   
   Charles Wesley 1738
   
   
   
   
   
   

The Choice to Fear or. . .

Unless I have had sometime to think about it and get used to the idea, I don't like change. I've been like this since day one apparently, since my poor mother tells me that when I was about four or five, if she didn't lay out all the possible variables in our itinerary for a day of shopping in advance, I would have a meltdown. What do you mean we have to go to The Bay because Sears didn't have the right shoes? You didn't tell me that! But, but, but --aaaah! I just couldn't handle the change.

Not liking change also means I am a worrier. If I don't know how things are going to play out in a future event or activity, I worry. Not in a "oh dear, life as I know it is ending" kind of style, but I anxiously try to anticipate every possible outcome, attempting to prepare myself for any eventuality.

Evidently, it is a deeply embedded part of my character and part of being a strong introvert. However, I think it is also a bad spiritual habit. This was drawn to my attention in a powerful way by the book I have been reading the last couple weeks. The following quote really struck a chord with me:

Not knowing is hard. . . . The fact of the matter is that we find questions of the future hard to deal with because we find it difficult to trust God. The One that we have said we've put our trust in knows everything about the future because he controls every aspect of it. Our fear of the future exposes the struggle we have to trust him and, in trusting him, to rest in his guidance and care, even though we don't really know what is coming next. Awe of God really is the only way to be free of fear of what is coming next. When my trust in God is greater than my fear of the unknown, I will be able to rest, even though I don't have a clue what will greet me around the corner.
. . .
Because we all tend at points to suffer from God amnesia, because we live in a fallen world, and because we do not write our own stories, being ruled by fear is always a clear and present danger. (Paul Tripp, Dangerous Calling 134-5)

I think that a lot of the time we react to things in our lives in our "default" setting, this state of "God amnesia," rather than choosing to trust in God's providence and sovereignty over our lives. It is a choice to trust Him.

Paul Tripp points out a few pages later, that we too often look "horizontally . . . for what can only be found vertically." He says that we are in "a glory war, a battle for what glory will rule [our] hearts and, in so doing, control [our] choices, words, and behaviors" (139-40).

Every time I default to worrying incessantly or choose to bring my fear of not-knowing and change (again and again) to the God who controls every detail of my existence and the existence of the universe, my choice is part of this glory war. It might not be that I recognize that this is a choice. Habits are habits, after all. Unless I choose to change (oh the irony!) my habits, I will be sabotaging my Christian walk with my choice to operate in my default setting.

I have to consciously choose to trust that God has planned what is best for me. I can't run ahead of Him and try to anticipate what He is doing. If I do not live in the physical and spiritual "now" where He has placed me, I am trying to take over His role as Omniscient God.

I am called to be a follower, not a leader; I am Christ's disciple, not His master. He is the Shepherd; I am His sheep. I need to cultivate a habit of trust in God's unfailing love for His people. 

As Moses said the Israelites before they crossed the Jordan, "It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." (Deuteronomy 31:8 ESV)

Christ said, “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.”

(John 14:1-4 ESV)

Christ has gone before me and has prepared a place; God will fulfill His purpose for me (Ps 138:8). I do not need to worry about will come. It is all taken care of.

Beginnings

Beginnings are always difficult.

I find it difficult to know how to start off this blog. It takes a bit of courage to make the first mark on a piece of fresh white paper, a bit of daring to throw that pebble into the glassy pond and disturb the water.

I know (sort of) what I will be using it to think about, but I find it difficult to just jump in.
I've been feeling quite pensive and introspective lately, contemplative, and that doesn't make it easier to write "Post Number One."  Contemplation makes me feel I should be profound, but I have nothing really to be profound about, which makes it mere posturing, which I don't think is attractive.

I value honesty, but at the same time don't want to be sharing too much. I'm a private sort of person and while I'd like to share my ideas and and writings and interests, it is quite scary to expose them to the scrutiny and whims of others, even in the relative anonymity of the internet. I share only carefully selected and edited snippets of me, but they are still me. And "me" is a hodge-podge of insecurities and foibles and endless searching for identity.

I could keep a blog of "things", while still never really giving an accurate or even panoramic view of who I am. I could say I am a writer, a sister, a daughter, a teacher, a learner, a singer--oh, any number of titles and skills and states of being, but none of these will truly tell you who I am. I can tell you my age, weight, and shoe size, but you won't have any true understanding of what makes me tick.

It is easy to put on a persona, but not so easy to be real. Being real is scary, is messy, is very, very hard.

I can't promise to always be real on this blog or even to always be completely frank, but I'll try to share a bit of the hope that I've found, the anchor of my soul in all of the rough seas and the tedious doldrums that being real entails.