The Choice to Fear or. . .

Unless I have had sometime to think about it and get used to the idea, I don't like change. I've been like this since day one apparently, since my poor mother tells me that when I was about four or five, if she didn't lay out all the possible variables in our itinerary for a day of shopping in advance, I would have a meltdown. What do you mean we have to go to The Bay because Sears didn't have the right shoes? You didn't tell me that! But, but, but --aaaah! I just couldn't handle the change.

Not liking change also means I am a worrier. If I don't know how things are going to play out in a future event or activity, I worry. Not in a "oh dear, life as I know it is ending" kind of style, but I anxiously try to anticipate every possible outcome, attempting to prepare myself for any eventuality.

Evidently, it is a deeply embedded part of my character and part of being a strong introvert. However, I think it is also a bad spiritual habit. This was drawn to my attention in a powerful way by the book I have been reading the last couple weeks. The following quote really struck a chord with me:

Not knowing is hard. . . . The fact of the matter is that we find questions of the future hard to deal with because we find it difficult to trust God. The One that we have said we've put our trust in knows everything about the future because he controls every aspect of it. Our fear of the future exposes the struggle we have to trust him and, in trusting him, to rest in his guidance and care, even though we don't really know what is coming next. Awe of God really is the only way to be free of fear of what is coming next. When my trust in God is greater than my fear of the unknown, I will be able to rest, even though I don't have a clue what will greet me around the corner.
. . .
Because we all tend at points to suffer from God amnesia, because we live in a fallen world, and because we do not write our own stories, being ruled by fear is always a clear and present danger. (Paul Tripp, Dangerous Calling 134-5)

I think that a lot of the time we react to things in our lives in our "default" setting, this state of "God amnesia," rather than choosing to trust in God's providence and sovereignty over our lives. It is a choice to trust Him.

Paul Tripp points out a few pages later, that we too often look "horizontally . . . for what can only be found vertically." He says that we are in "a glory war, a battle for what glory will rule [our] hearts and, in so doing, control [our] choices, words, and behaviors" (139-40).

Every time I default to worrying incessantly or choose to bring my fear of not-knowing and change (again and again) to the God who controls every detail of my existence and the existence of the universe, my choice is part of this glory war. It might not be that I recognize that this is a choice. Habits are habits, after all. Unless I choose to change (oh the irony!) my habits, I will be sabotaging my Christian walk with my choice to operate in my default setting.

I have to consciously choose to trust that God has planned what is best for me. I can't run ahead of Him and try to anticipate what He is doing. If I do not live in the physical and spiritual "now" where He has placed me, I am trying to take over His role as Omniscient God.

I am called to be a follower, not a leader; I am Christ's disciple, not His master. He is the Shepherd; I am His sheep. I need to cultivate a habit of trust in God's unfailing love for His people. 

As Moses said the Israelites before they crossed the Jordan, "It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." (Deuteronomy 31:8 ESV)

Christ said, “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.”

(John 14:1-4 ESV)

Christ has gone before me and has prepared a place; God will fulfill His purpose for me (Ps 138:8). I do not need to worry about will come. It is all taken care of.