Storm-tossed

 “O afflicted one, storm-tossed and not comforted, behold. . ."    

(Isaiah 54:11a ESV)

"And behold, there arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was being swamped by the waves; but he was asleep." 

 (Matthew 8:24 ESV)

faint heart

a snowflake on the tongue

its frozen splendour gone

in an instant 

a shattered mirror

the shards that pierce

I am the snow queen

yet winter streams still run

liquid fire beneath the ice 

snow is falling like stars

like the ashes of hope

burnt up in reentry

let it blanket my throbbing autumn heart

soft its edges with pale feathers

cool its ardours once again

make me a winter waste land

freeze my fears into nothingness

Sometimes it is easier to be Naomi than Ruth. Sometimes hope is hard. Sometimes emotional hypothermia seems easier than feeling every pin prick. Like Job I say "I am not at ease, nor am I quiet; I have no rest, but trouble comes.” (Job 3:26 ESV) And yet, "the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."(Romans 8:26 ESV)

[81] My soul longs for your salvation; 
I hope in your word.
[82] My eyes long for your promise;
I ask, “When will you comfort me? 

(Psalm 119:81-82 ESV)

[25] And they went and woke him, saying, “Save us, Lord; we are perishing” [26] And he said to them, “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.

(Matthew 8:25-26 ESV)

[5] For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence 

for my hope is from him.

[6] He only is my rock and my salvation,

my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

[7] On God rests my salvation and my glory;

my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

[8] Trust in him at all times, O people;

pour out your heart before him;

God is a refuge for us. Selah

(Psalm 62:5-8 ESV)

The Choice to Fear or. . .

Unless I have had sometime to think about it and get used to the idea, I don't like change. I've been like this since day one apparently, since my poor mother tells me that when I was about four or five, if she didn't lay out all the possible variables in our itinerary for a day of shopping in advance, I would have a meltdown. What do you mean we have to go to The Bay because Sears didn't have the right shoes? You didn't tell me that! But, but, but --aaaah! I just couldn't handle the change.

Not liking change also means I am a worrier. If I don't know how things are going to play out in a future event or activity, I worry. Not in a "oh dear, life as I know it is ending" kind of style, but I anxiously try to anticipate every possible outcome, attempting to prepare myself for any eventuality.

Evidently, it is a deeply embedded part of my character and part of being a strong introvert. However, I think it is also a bad spiritual habit. This was drawn to my attention in a powerful way by the book I have been reading the last couple weeks. The following quote really struck a chord with me:

Not knowing is hard. . . . The fact of the matter is that we find questions of the future hard to deal with because we find it difficult to trust God. The One that we have said we've put our trust in knows everything about the future because he controls every aspect of it. Our fear of the future exposes the struggle we have to trust him and, in trusting him, to rest in his guidance and care, even though we don't really know what is coming next. Awe of God really is the only way to be free of fear of what is coming next. When my trust in God is greater than my fear of the unknown, I will be able to rest, even though I don't have a clue what will greet me around the corner.
. . .
Because we all tend at points to suffer from God amnesia, because we live in a fallen world, and because we do not write our own stories, being ruled by fear is always a clear and present danger. (Paul Tripp, Dangerous Calling 134-5)

I think that a lot of the time we react to things in our lives in our "default" setting, this state of "God amnesia," rather than choosing to trust in God's providence and sovereignty over our lives. It is a choice to trust Him.

Paul Tripp points out a few pages later, that we too often look "horizontally . . . for what can only be found vertically." He says that we are in "a glory war, a battle for what glory will rule [our] hearts and, in so doing, control [our] choices, words, and behaviors" (139-40).

Every time I default to worrying incessantly or choose to bring my fear of not-knowing and change (again and again) to the God who controls every detail of my existence and the existence of the universe, my choice is part of this glory war. It might not be that I recognize that this is a choice. Habits are habits, after all. Unless I choose to change (oh the irony!) my habits, I will be sabotaging my Christian walk with my choice to operate in my default setting.

I have to consciously choose to trust that God has planned what is best for me. I can't run ahead of Him and try to anticipate what He is doing. If I do not live in the physical and spiritual "now" where He has placed me, I am trying to take over His role as Omniscient God.

I am called to be a follower, not a leader; I am Christ's disciple, not His master. He is the Shepherd; I am His sheep. I need to cultivate a habit of trust in God's unfailing love for His people. 

As Moses said the Israelites before they crossed the Jordan, "It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." (Deuteronomy 31:8 ESV)

Christ said, “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.”

(John 14:1-4 ESV)

Christ has gone before me and has prepared a place; God will fulfill His purpose for me (Ps 138:8). I do not need to worry about will come. It is all taken care of.

Waiting like Abraham

 No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.

(Romans 4:20-21 ESV)

Consider what is said of Abraham in Romans 4. He was chosen by God to receive his covenant promises. He was told that his offspring would be like the sand on the seashore. Yet his wife was a very old woman, way, way beyond childbearing age, and he had not yet given birth to the son who would carry on his line. Romans 4 tells us something very significant about Abraham's heart. Think about it: when you and I are called by God to wait for an extended period as Abraham was, often for us our story of waiting is a chronicle of ever-weakening faith. The longer we have time to think about what we are waiting for, the longer we have time to consider how we have no ability to deliver it; and the longer we have to let ourselves wonder why we have been selected to wait, the more our faith weakens. But not so with Abraham. We're told in this passage that during this time of protracted waiting, his faith actually grew stronger, and the passage tells us why. Rather than meditating on the impossibility of his situation, Abraham meditated on the power and the character of the One who had made the promise. The more Abraham let his heart bask in the glory of God, the more convinced he became that he was in good hands. Rather than a cycle of discouragement and hopelessness, Abraham's story was one of encouragement and hope. Why? Because he meditated on the right thing. [italics mine]

Paul David Tripp, Dangerous Calling: Confronting the Unique 

Challenges of Pastoral Ministry 65-66

"I can't wait" can be a dangerous statement to make too often. Any time we try to anticipate the future, and stop living where we are now, we risk living in discontent. "I can't wait" can too quickly become "I won't wait," and then our rebellious heart is off and away on a power trip that will only end in heartache and disappointment.

We can live in such a way, in such discontent, that it is almost as though we are trying to force God's hand, trying to make Him give us what we are waiting for. We treat that "thing" (marriage, work, children, etc.) as our goal or our reward for good behaviour, and we sulk when we don't get what we want. "I've been waiting forever! Why can't I just have it now?"

We might live in continual anticipation of our fairy tale dreams coming true. We head out to that Bible study or young people's evening "just in case" we might meet "the one," and keep our eyes peeled for him/her, while forgetting the actual purpose of the event.

We might try to find ways to "help" God to fulfill His promises. We force relationships, we take that mediocre job, or we make other choices based on what we want, rather than waiting to see what God will bring us, what He has planned. Abraham made this mistake and experienced the heartache which comes with trying "help" God fulfill His promise: he ended up having to send his first-born son, Ishmael--not the son of promise, but the son of the flesh (Galatians 4:23)--away with Hagar. When we try to "help" God with our "problem," we are not resting in His providence or trusting His sovereignty over our lives. We are basically telling God, "I can do it better," or worse, "You are not enough for me."

Waiting is hard, it's true, but waiting with the wrong attitude is even harder. It means you are not waiting in faith, not waiting with the comfort that hope in God affords. With faith in God's goodness and His unfailing promise, Abraham waited 25 years for Isaac to be born. Despite his slips along the way, Abraham had faith that God would keep His word, and he waited for Him to do so.

We who wait need to reorient our waiting in our hearts--we are not waiting for a job or a spouse or a car or any of the other "things" our heart desires--no, we are waiting for our God and our God is good.

Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.

(Isaiah 30:18 ESV) 

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!

(Psalm 27:13-14 ESV)

[13] For when God made a promise to Abraham, since he had no one greater by whom to swear, he swore by himself, [14] saying, “Surely I will bless you and multiply you.” [15] And thus Abraham, having patiently waited, obtained the promise. [16] For people swear by something greater than themselves, and in all their disputes an oath is final for confirmation. [17] So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, [18] so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. [19] We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, [20] where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek.

(Hebrews 6:13-20 ESV)